Trainer,
This morning I had a lot of energy and felt very energetic when I got
to work. I had some things to do so that worked out well, and I got a
lot done on them. I worked on my arrangement of a song just before I
left and I wished I had more time to work on that but as is typical I
couldn’t right then….. seems most of my energy comes during the day
and then after work I end up feeling more tired. I had hoped to copy
the tape I made last night to my HD but I haven’t gotten around to it
yet… no big rush though. I hooked up the machine so I could hear
it… of course i notice each mistake but its such a long thing i
don’t think I can make a perfect recording right now. It sounds
different when I’m not playing it… simpler than while I’m doing
it…. but I know better…. some of the time when I’m playing it I am
amazed that i get through it. I should have checked the setting on the
tracks though because they are not all the same…. but I don’t think
it will matter much. This would be a nice piece to keep up so I can
play it.
The other piece i arranged I worked on some tonight… its supposed to
be real fast, so I was working carefully on the fingering so that
possibly i would be able to play it that way. It will be kind of a
neat piece when I learn it if I can. I can play it slowly now…. but
of course the thing that makes it sound neat is to hear it at a lively
tempo.
I’m listening to m recording right now for the first time…. the C
minor part amazes me… its one of the parts i don’t even know what
I’m doing… it just comes out.
The chicken I made tonight was mmmmmm good.. I love the way that’s so
juicy… I saved a couple of pieces for later in the week… its so
easy to make too. Thank you for teaching me how to make that.
I guess now I feel a little down. I’m kind of assuming you that
something happened that I had been expecting to and so its taking me a
little while to get used to the feeling. I don’t think its a big deal,
since I expected it, and I don’t want to inhibit your fun or things
you want to do. I feel kind of sad that I don’t measure up too well
like that, but I guess that’s part of getting older, although i don’t
count out the possibilities. I don’t feel like I am going to be
replaced but for some reason i feel kind of down. I’m sure it will
pass and I’m not even sure about the wisdom of mentioning it as its
not right to try to cause guilt or anything like that. I don’t really
even know if anything actually happened and I am sure I do not want to
know any details. (out of some morbid curiosity I do, but I think that
would just make me feel bad:). Of course I have been wondering about
emotional sadism as well so this is a possible chance to experience
that as well. I somehow wish though, that I had not discussed some of
the things we talked about while I was down there… thinking maybe
that left a bad feeling with you. In any case it does not change how I
feel about you. Logically I see it one way (no big deal),
emotionally.. i feel kind of sad, but I guess that’s just my culture
etc.. and truly I want you to have a good time… I’m very aware I can
not be all things to you and I think that’s a key thing to keep in
mind. One thing you can be certain of is that i am not angry, nor do I
feel what ppl think of as jealous.
I think that’s enough for now… I know how I am… I go from feeling
up to down and back again over and over…. there is little point in
dwelling on what makes me feel down because it usually just prolongs
it. This is probably a good time because I am not forced to react any
time soon. If you were here it might be a good time to ask to be
beaten… but I totally do not want that so there is no need to push
that edge now. I’ll save that for a time when we are together:)
I guess if there is a silver lining, it would be that I hope you
realize that I “suffer” for you and that I am always yours if you
want. I love you.
devoted love,
b
This morning I had a lot of energy and felt very energetic when I got
to work. I had some things to do so that worked out well, and I got a
lot done on them. I worked on my arrangement of a song just before I
left and I wished I had more time to work on that but as is typical I
couldn’t right then….. seems most of my energy comes during the day
and then after work I end up feeling more tired. I had hoped to copy
the tape I made last night to my HD but I haven’t gotten around to it
yet… no big rush though. I hooked up the machine so I could hear
it… of course i notice each mistake but its such a long thing i
don’t think I can make a perfect recording right now. It sounds
different when I’m not playing it… simpler than while I’m doing
it…. but I know better…. some of the time when I’m playing it I am
amazed that i get through it. I should have checked the setting on the
tracks though because they are not all the same…. but I don’t think
it will matter much. This would be a nice piece to keep up so I can
play it.
The other piece i arranged I worked on some tonight… its supposed to
be real fast, so I was working carefully on the fingering so that
possibly i would be able to play it that way. It will be kind of a
neat piece when I learn it if I can. I can play it slowly now…. but
of course the thing that makes it sound neat is to hear it at a lively
tempo.
I’m listening to m recording right now for the first time…. the C
minor part amazes me… its one of the parts i don’t even know what
I’m doing… it just comes out.
The chicken I made tonight was mmmmmm good.. I love the way that’s so
juicy… I saved a couple of pieces for later in the week… its so
easy to make too. Thank you for teaching me how to make that.
I guess now I feel a little down. I’m kind of assuming you that
something happened that I had been expecting to and so its taking me a
little while to get used to the feeling. I don’t think its a big deal,
since I expected it, and I don’t want to inhibit your fun or things
you want to do. I feel kind of sad that I don’t measure up too well
like that, but I guess that’s part of getting older, although i don’t
count out the possibilities. I don’t feel like I am going to be
replaced but for some reason i feel kind of down. I’m sure it will
pass and I’m not even sure about the wisdom of mentioning it as its
not right to try to cause guilt or anything like that. I don’t really
even know if anything actually happened and I am sure I do not want to
know any details. (out of some morbid curiosity I do, but I think that
would just make me feel bad:). Of course I have been wondering about
emotional sadism as well so this is a possible chance to experience
that as well. I somehow wish though, that I had not discussed some of
the things we talked about while I was down there… thinking maybe
that left a bad feeling with you. In any case it does not change how I
feel about you. Logically I see it one way (no big deal),
emotionally.. i feel kind of sad, but I guess that’s just my culture
etc.. and truly I want you to have a good time… I’m very aware I can
not be all things to you and I think that’s a key thing to keep in
mind. One thing you can be certain of is that i am not angry, nor do I
feel what ppl think of as jealous.
I think that’s enough for now… I know how I am… I go from feeling
up to down and back again over and over…. there is little point in
dwelling on what makes me feel down because it usually just prolongs
it. This is probably a good time because I am not forced to react any
time soon. If you were here it might be a good time to ask to be
beaten… but I totally do not want that so there is no need to push
that edge now. I’ll save that for a time when we are together:)
I guess if there is a silver lining, it would be that I hope you
realize that I “suffer” for you and that I am always yours if you
want. I love you.
devoted love,
b