It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog, and, while he’s written some extremely poignant and insightful emails, this one is one of the best ones I’ve seen yet. –C
Trainer,
This is not meant as a complaint or asking for help or anything else
like that and I do not expect any response nor am I asking for any.
Its just me thinking about where I am and whats going on.
I had to realize a couple of things recently that I guess I had kind
of been wanting to push aside because they were not that easy for me
to be comfortable with. Part of a D/s relationship involves me doing
things I would not do on my own, things I may not want to do etc,
otherwise there would be no control at all. However I know this is
something I accept and want, partially because I have seen how it
works to better me, and partly because I often find it hot, and partly
because I want to please you. I have no wish to change any of that and
I’m glad that is our agreement.
I had this fantasy of where things might go with us, that was quite
unrealistic, and had I believed and accepted what you told me sooner,
I would have known that. For some reason I persisted in my “dream”.
Your goal was somewhat different from my mine, but nevertheless I
thought I would somehow make it go my way, forgetting who is in
control. I don’t know why I did this…I’m not even sure I was aware I
was doing it… perhaps because facing reality was harder and I’m
basically lazy and always looking for the easy way. My romantic
fantasy would have been rather dull in the long run anyway.
A big part of what has been hard for me to accept was about being a
worthless fuck, for real. I just really did not want to believe that,
even though I’d be crazy to think otherwise. It just seem to trample
over the very thing I wanted most in my mind because I had put so much
importance on it. It was the catalyst in ending my marriage, although
I see now many other things were wrong. I wanted to persist in my
fantasy that I might not be so worthless regardless of the facts. I
felt like a large enjoyable part of my life was going to end. That’s
hard to accept. I just wanted to deny, deny, deny. Then suddenly (for
me) there it was all out in the open and there was nothing I could do
about it but face it. Whether I am ever able to “perform” again does
not really change that. That was a hard pill to swallow, and I went
kind of overboard with despair about it. This was the “glue” that I
thought held relationships together…. and lacking that I could see
myself as “just a houseboy” kept to work and little more. While some
might think that’s a good life it does not appeal to me that much. I
wanted to be “wanted”.
At the same time I was feeling very insecure. Most of the time I have
to take a lot of things on faith because there is a certain distance
maintained in our relationship to foster the dynamic which I
understand very well, but it means I don’t get some of the direct
affirmation that I would have liked in my romantic fantasy world.
Usually I wasn’t bothered by this as you have told me you would let me
know if things were not right and I believed you. When my confidence
got severely shaken I guess I felt backed into a corner out of fear
and had to get your help, although I did not ask for it gracefully at
all. That was embarrassingly messy on my part.
I have been through this thought process quite a few times now, until
it doesn’t seem as painful. Its mostly a matter of trying to realize
there are other ways to be wanted, and believing and accepting it…
which I really have no choice but to do so. I am fully aware it is
better to focus on ways I can be wanted and useful and fun rather than
worry about those in which I am not. It could even be to your
advantage in seeking another person as I do not think I would be
perceived as sexually threatening to anyone. He would have the
security of knowing he was the “best” and for me it would just be
motivation to be pleasing in other areas and not to compete.
I think I was looking through rose colored glasses from being in
love. I am still of course in love but now more aware who is in
control and whose goals we are reaching for. I support that. I would
like them to be “our” goals and the way to make that happen is to
support you.
This is what I have been thinking about lately. It seems to be on
track to me, but I doubt it will keep me from thinking irrationally at
times. I hope when I do, you will understand what is happening and
that in the long run I will see the light. I like to think I can be
logical all the time but the truth as I see it is that I am not. The
insidious part is that even when I >know< I'm being thinking
emotionally rather than logically, I can’t stop right away. This has
been quite a struggle for me but something I needed to do.
John Connelee – I’ve played this song many times at the VFW years ago
but i never paid attention to th words until today:
But these rose colored glasses, that I’m looking through
Show ooonly the beauty, cause they hide all the truth,
So I just keep on hopin’, believin that maybe,
By countin the many times that I’ve tried,
You’ll believe me when I say I love you and
I’ll lay these rose colored glasses aside.
Some people probably think its pretty stupid to be a sub, especially
for a male. The tops have all the advantages and control and get what
they want and are generally more respected and admired while the subs
live at the bottom of the food chain. But I get my kicks from it and
get off on it and it turns me on… so it isn’t stupid, its demanding,
rewardng and fun:)
devoted service and love
b
The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
— Thomas Carlyle