It has been too long since I visited Mistress Xia’s blog. Here I think she makes an excellent case for what I’ve always felt to be one of the most positive aspects of BDSM relationships.
Yet this is balanced by the advantage of greater and more clear communication than more traditional relationships. Negotiation is key in a typical BDSM interaction. Play partners discuss their desires, limits, concerns and state of mind before delving into a scene. This level of premeditation is rare in most vanilla versions of sensual power play — and as far as I am concerned, all sex is power play. The darkness may still come out, but the shyness, shame and fear which prevented an open discussion beforehand makes it that much more likely that someone will leave feeling hurt, disrespected or misunderstood. In good BDSM play the darkness is negotiated, channelled and controlled. It is not denied. Rather, it is given space to breathe its fire.
I have been struck how in both the realms of spiritual exploration and BDSM play, one seeks out a connection to the divine and mystical. One shirks off the limitations of the individual self, giving in to greater forces at work. And in both, there can be a frustrating desire to find salvation through the power of another — be it a deity or your “owner” — when the truth is we all can only save ourselves.
Negotiation is key in a typical BDSM interaction.