Rose Colored Glasses Coming Off

It's been a while since I've updated this blog, and, while he's written some extremely poignant and insightful emails, this one is one of the best ones I've seen yet. --C

Trainer,

This is not meant as a complaint or asking for help or anything else
like that and I do not expect any response nor am I asking for any.
Its just me thinking about where I am and whats going on.

I had to realize a couple of things recently that I guess I had kind
of been wanting to push aside because they were not that easy for me
to be comfortable with. Part of a D/s relationship involves me doing
things I would not do on my own, things I may not want to do etc,
otherwise there would be no control at all. However I know this is
something I accept and want, partially because I have seen how it
works to better me, and partly because I often find it hot, and partly
because I want to please you. I have no wish to change any of that and
I'm glad that is our agreement.

I had this fantasy of where things might go with us, that was quite
unrealistic, and had I believed and accepted what you told me sooner,
I would have known that. For some reason I persisted in my "dream".
Your goal was somewhat different from my mine, but nevertheless I
thought I would somehow make it go my way, forgetting who is in
control. I don't know why I did this...I'm not even sure I was aware I
was doing it... perhaps because facing reality was harder and I'm
basically lazy and always looking for the easy way. My romantic
fantasy would have been rather dull in the long run anyway.

A big part of what has been hard for me to accept was about being a
worthless fuck, for real. I just really did not want to believe that,
even though I'd be crazy to think otherwise. It just seem to trample
over the very thing I wanted most in my mind because I had put so much
importance on it. It was the catalyst in ending my marriage, although
I see now many other things were wrong. I wanted to persist in my
fantasy that I might not be so worthless regardless of the facts. I
felt like a large enjoyable part of my life was going to end. That's
hard to accept. I just wanted to deny, deny, deny. Then suddenly (for
me) there it was all out in the open and there was nothing I could do
about it but face it. Whether I am ever able to "perform" again does
not really change that. That was a hard pill to swallow, and I went
kind of overboard with despair about it. This was the "glue" that I
thought held relationships together.... and lacking that I could see
myself as "just a houseboy" kept to work and little more. While some
might think that's a good life it does not appeal to me that much. I
wanted to be "wanted".

At the same time I was feeling very insecure. Most of the time I have
to take a lot of things on faith because there is a certain distance
maintained in our relationship to foster the dynamic which I
understand very well, but it means I don't get some of the direct
affirmation that I would have liked in my romantic fantasy world.
Usually I wasn't bothered by this as you have told me you would let me
know if things were not right and I believed you. When my confidence
got severely shaken I guess I felt backed into a corner out of fear
and had to get your help, although I did not ask for it gracefully at
all. That was embarrassingly messy on my part.

I have been through this thought process quite a few times now, until
it doesn't seem as painful. Its mostly a matter of trying to realize
there are other ways to be wanted, and believing and accepting it...
which I really have no choice but to do so. I am fully aware it is
better to focus on ways I can be wanted and useful and fun rather than
worry about those in which I am not. It could even be to your
advantage in seeking another person as I do not think I would be
perceived as sexually threatening to anyone. He would have the
security of knowing he was the "best" and for me it would just be
motivation to be pleasing in other areas and not to compete.


I think I was looking through rose colored glasses from being in
love. I am still of course in love but now more aware who is in
control and whose goals we are reaching for. I support that. I would
like them to be "our" goals and the way to make that happen is to
support you.

This is what I have been thinking about lately. It seems to be on
track to me, but I doubt it will keep me from thinking irrationally at
times. I hope when I do, you will understand what is happening and
that in the long run I will see the light. I like to think I can be
logical all the time but the truth as I see it is that I am not. The
insidious part is that even when I >know< I'm being thinking
emotionally rather than logically, I can't stop right away. This has
been quite a struggle for me but something I needed to do.






John Connelee - I've played this song many times at the VFW years ago
but i never paid attention to th words until today:

But these rose colored glasses, that I'm looking through
Show ooonly the beauty, cause they hide all the truth,

So I just keep on hopin', believin that maybe,
By countin the many times that I've tried,
You'll believe me when I say I love you and
I'll lay these rose colored glasses aside.


Some people probably think its pretty stupid to be a sub, especially
for a male. The tops have all the advantages and control and get what
they want and are generally more respected and admired while the subs
live at the bottom of the food chain. But I get my kicks from it and
get off on it and it turns me on... so it isn't stupid, its demanding,
rewardng and fun:)

devoted service and love
b

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
-- Thomas Carlyle

June 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

A jump ahead

This is coming a few weeks later, and does not describe what he went through to get to here. If you want to know, I'll give him your email. (: -C





Trainer,



I love you. I wish I had felt more energetic this evening:) Everything

seems to be going so well and i come home with no energy, and that

seemed to be disappointing to me. Fortunately that did not turn out to

be a bad thing I hope. I guess, I had such a good time this weekend

with you there has to be a coming back down to earth and going back to

work etc. Its nice to come home, settle in the dynamic and feel

grounded again, but I wish I had more energy to put into it.



I hope.... you never see me feeling tired as not caring.... because

that would be wrong, and a fault on my part. I actually feel very

optimistic about our future, and I hope you do too:)



Yes, I'm going to miss you when you are gone. I know you have stuff to

take care of so I fully understand that:) You are obviously a huge

part of my life now, and I am very happy with that. Yes, I'm gonna

miss you. It is important to me though that you are able to do what

you want and need to do. I do no underestimate the import



Sorry I missed Rush:)



Yes -> Rush -> Primus.... no? :)



I'm excited about the house. I hope it does not fall through. I know

it will be a lot to get done but it will be nice. I sure hope it all

works out.



lol its 12:30 AM... now I feel good:) Isn't that the way:)



I love you, Trainer... *hugs* :)



devoted service

b



PS

I appreciated your compliments today:)

June 5, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Keeping Promises

hello Trainer,



I got woken up pretty early by a call from work this morning that took

me a while to resolve and then I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up

and made some breakfast. I still had the contract and the rules of

being out so i read those again while I ate. Hopefully that will help.

Its good to refresh on those I think from time to time to get me back

in the right frame of mind. I know I am inconsistent about things and

I'm sorry there is a gap between what I write and what I say and do. I

don't want that to happen but I know it has. I think I write what I

feel and what I want to be like but I know I don't always live up to

that... but as Miss told me, if you get knocked down 7 times,get up 8

or something to that effect.



I'm gonna bottle up the beer I have today so I can take it with us to

gT's. I think its about ready to be bottled now anyway. I did the

floors and vacuumed for a while...and I probably will do the clothes

today or tomorrow. Its easier to do a lot of this stuff on the

weekends when I have more time, but even the weekends go by way to

fast for me.



I felt a little down for a while, then better. I wish that would quit.

I think sometimes I just think the same thoughts over and over that

drag me down. Anyway I feel better now. I suppose I'll eventually get

bored with those thoughts and drop them. Its funny how things can

affect my mood... I like to think usually I am pretty happy.



You mentioned that I must have had a change of heart. I don't think I

ever wanted to be away from you. I felt down driving back alone (I

almost always do) but I did think you needed some time at home and I

knew that was going to happen, and I thought that the break would be

good for us. I know for me, being away for a little while makes me

appreciate you more.... its kind of like you suddenly realize how

valuable water is when it gets shut off. I guess that does seem like a

change of heart, and yes I do want you to come back and I miss you

very much.



I left the yahoo screen up and saw it earlier and read something that

really got to me (in a very hot way). Something locked up on my

computer or I would cut n paste it here but it was something like

this. I think I had asked you to help me stay in my place and you said

that you would put me in my place and keep me there... i can't

remember the rest but that struck a hot nerve in me... I can tell I'm

feeling way horny now. But I guess there is more to it than that... it

is something to remember that I sometimes forget... my place, role

etc. I guess this is what you mean when you say i lose my focus... I

was never sure just what that meant and it seemed so vague to me that

i just didn't know where t begin to do anything about it, but this

seems like a good spot.



It would be bad to keep promising things in my email and not able to

live up to them. I don't want to change what I write though or lower

my goals so to speak. I'd hate to be the type of person who says all

these good things and then never does any. You are really important to

me, and I hope I demonstrate that from time too time and not just say

it. In any case these are things I can work on. I like to have

concrete ideas in mind rather than just the notion of generally trying

to be better. Also I think I will do better focusing on a few specific

goals at a time. If you allow I would like to focus on these for the

near future:



1. Remembering my place. I want to get more oriented to thinking of

myself as your slave (trainee for now) and not a vanilla romantic

couple. (Of course I will always love you). this means not expecting

equal happiness or other equal things. All that will be up to you.



2. Not arguing. I don't think I argue much but any is too much, and I

have a tendency that gets me in trouble to try to explain why I did

something rather than just accept. It starts with an explanation but

then escalates. I get no benefit from that and i do not want it to

even begin. I might need your help in recognizing when i do this

because it happens before I realize its happening. I think it falls

into being defensive which I should not be doing.



Those two things would help me I think. The second one is very

specific and should be easy to tell if I am successful with it, well

easier to see when NOT successful. I don't want any instances of it.

The first is more general but it shouldn't be too hard to see when I

am not doing it. I'd like your help with both of those should you see

me slipping mainly by pointing out how inconsistent I am being. I'm

giving you these as a means that I can't possibly refute to help me

get to where I need to be by painting myself into a box I can't get

out of.





I love you very much and I can not wait to see you again. I miss you a lot.



devoted service,

b

May 30, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Working on it

Trainer,



Today I felt kind of down for a while. I wasn't expecting to feel like

that... I thought I was past that. It's hard to sort all this out in

my mind. I am not upset nor do I feel resentful. I love you. I think

the problem is with me. I hurts to face certain realities. I felt

about as appealing as a tax agent.



I know I have some value to you and I don't think you are considering

abandoning me. I know I have certain worth serving you and so forth

and I take pride in that. Maybe its just my "male" way of thinking but

I wish I had value in other areas too. But that's was probably just to

satisfy my own ego. Maybe I can learn something here.



I wonder if I am having to change my image of what a D/s relationship

is. Perhaps I had it colored too vanilla in my mind... too romantic,

too equal, and not paying attention to what my role should be. If I am

truly to submit, my role should be whatever you want it to be. I have

to trust that is your direction in training etc... to develop what you

want and what you feel is important within my limited capabilities. My

contribution to the dynamic could be to do my best to be this for you.

I still love you, though. I hope that remains part of my role because

it would be hard to stop. Once I thought of this I felt somewhat

better. I need to return to the things I once found hot. I have to

think I'm on the path to learning to be what you want and serve in

whatever capacity I am good for.... whether that's cleaning the floor

or having inadequacies that you can exploit. You are young, pretty

and very engaging, and I am sure could have any sexual partner you

wanted. Yet, I am the trainee you are working with now. That alone

makes me proud and should tell me a lot.





Some unrelated thoughts:



I once told you that I felt afraid to feel erotic when you made me

available to your friends, and I think you did not think I should feel

that way. Perhaps now I can think about that differently although I am

kind of leery of letting go like that. You are the one that does it

for me and I do not want there to ever be any doubt about that.



I read the "worthless fuck" thread again including this

-------

Trust is very important. zul trusts me to take care of the big

picture, so, when he's feeling particularly distressed or down, he has

to trust that a) I'm not going to abandon him, b) yes, I'm being

honest when I say it turns me on (HERE, SMELL MY FINGER!), and c) that

if I break something, I'm going to fix it. So, yeah, tricky, but hot.

-------

I trust you with my life. That's the beauty of being with you and what

make it easy to love you. I have no doubt I will feel even more

anxious but I would find it very gratifying and hot to overcome that.



I place my whole being in your hands. You can take me from the lowest

of lows to the highest of highs depending on what you want. I hope

that turns you on just the tiniest bit. It does me.



I love you, Trainer. *hugs*



devoted love

b

May 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Pride Mantras

I have pride in what I am.

i am here because you want me to be here.

i am good at what i do or i would not be here.

i can give you things that all those other people cannot give you.

i give you devotion. i give you service.

i give you pain, when i endure the things you do.

i give you pleasure the same way.

anyone can fuck. not anyone can take one of your beatings.

i am Trainer's trainee and that makes me proud.

i am the best i can be.



devoted love

b

May 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Still Suffering, but Friends are Wonderful

Trainer,



I feel better today. Talking to Miss helped me climb up out of the

feeling of being depressed and more ready to move on. She is a

valuable friend and I told her that.



I got all my songs copied last night with some new software I

downloaded that's really nice...and free. I lost the old program I was

using when I switched hard drives and I didn't have the CD for it. I

made a couple of CDs but I think something is wrong with the batch i

bought because about half of them wont burn... or else something is

weird on my computer. I thought i would send one to my sister with the

wedding gift.



Well, I know I have a lot of work to do to ever get anything close to

what you expecting from me and I'm ready to take that on. Seems like

every day brings something new, a new challenge and more to learn and

so forth and I feel better meeting a challenge rather than basking in

despair. I miss you and I am glad I know you, and very glad to be with

you. I am reading the "worthless" thread each day.



devoted love,

b

May 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Emotional SM?

Trainer



I guess I feel a little better after eating breakfast. I felt so good

yesterday morning... I wish i felt that way today. I wish I could cry

or something but I can not. I feel really alone... I cant talk to

anyone about it. In theory it seems like it should be no big deal to

just forget about it and move on... like its some kind of play that

means nothing. I can't help but wish that had been me... I had always

hoped that under the right circumstances... not drunk, that I could do

that... but it will probably stick in my mind how inadequate I am if I

ever get the chance. I'd be better off to forget about it. I have to

wonder what good I am or why I am even in a relationship.. who'd want

that... especially in a lifestyle that is sexually focused. ...I just

have to think what am i doing?



I guess I'll think about this today and beat myself up over it for a

while and then I need to move on and stop hurting because I do not

like feeling bad. I'm not sure how that's going to happen (feel

better) but I will be glad when I do. I have known this was going to

happen but I thought I would handle it better... I know you would

prefer that.. only the more i think on it the worse i feel... I used

to tell G not to dwell on things that depressed her but in reality its

hard to stop... there is some law of nature that makes this hurt...no

matter how much i understand it... it seems particularly in my case

since it underlines my inadequacy... which I hate. I'm going to have

to learn to live with this... its a lot harder than you think...no one

can truly understand someone else's pain... they can know it exists

but unless they have felt it they don't know how it feels.



Today is going to be long I think... I feel so alone. I hope i feel

better by Friday or at least Monday.... but thats me isn't it....

always thinking about me... i do not mean to make you feel guilty.



love,

b

May 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

When Your Trainer Fucks Someone Else

Trainer,



This morning I had a lot of energy and felt very energetic when I got

to work. I had some things to do so that worked out well, and I got a

lot done on them. I worked on my arrangement of a song just before I

left and I wished I had more time to work on that but as is typical I

couldn't right then..... seems most of my energy comes during the day

and then after work I end up feeling more tired. I had hoped to copy

the tape I made last night to my HD but I haven't gotten around to it

yet... no big rush though. I hooked up the machine so I could hear

it... of course i notice each mistake but its such a long thing i

don't think I can make a perfect recording right now. It sounds

different when I'm not playing it... simpler than while I'm doing

it.... but I know better.... some of the time when I'm playing it I am

amazed that i get through it. I should have checked the setting on the

tracks though because they are not all the same.... but I don't think

it will matter much. This would be a nice piece to keep up so I can

play it.



The other piece i arranged I worked on some tonight... its supposed to

be real fast, so I was working carefully on the fingering so that

possibly i would be able to play it that way. It will be kind of a

neat piece when I learn it if I can. I can play it slowly now.... but

of course the thing that makes it sound neat is to hear it at a lively

tempo.

I'm listening to m recording right now for the first time.... the C

minor part amazes me... its one of the parts i don't even know what

I'm doing... it just comes out.



The chicken I made tonight was mmmmmm good.. I love the way that's so

juicy... I saved a couple of pieces for later in the week... its so

easy to make too. Thank you for teaching me how to make that.



I guess now I feel a little down. I'm kind of assuming you that

something happened that I had been expecting to and so its taking me a

little while to get used to the feeling. I don't think its a big deal,

since I expected it, and I don't want to inhibit your fun or things

you want to do. I feel kind of sad that I don't measure up too well

like that, but I guess that's part of getting older, although i don't

count out the possibilities. I don't feel like I am going to be

replaced but for some reason i feel kind of down. I'm sure it will

pass and I'm not even sure about the wisdom of mentioning it as its

not right to try to cause guilt or anything like that. I don't really

even know if anything actually happened and I am sure I do not want to

know any details. (out of some morbid curiosity I do, but I think that

would just make me feel bad:). Of course I have been wondering about

emotional sadism as well so this is a possible chance to experience

that as well. I somehow wish though, that I had not discussed some of

the things we talked about while I was down there... thinking maybe

that left a bad feeling with you. In any case it does not change how I

feel about you. Logically I see it one way (no big deal),

emotionally.. i feel kind of sad, but I guess that's just my culture

etc.. and truly I want you to have a good time... I'm very aware I can

not be all things to you and I think that's a key thing to keep in

mind. One thing you can be certain of is that i am not angry, nor do I

feel what ppl think of as jealous.



I think that's enough for now... I know how I am... I go from feeling

up to down and back again over and over.... there is little point in

dwelling on what makes me feel down because it usually just prolongs

it. This is probably a good time because I am not forced to react any

time soon. If you were here it might be a good time to ask to be

beaten... but I totally do not want that so there is no need to push

that edge now. I'll save that for a time when we are together:)



I guess if there is a silver lining, it would be that I hope you

realize that I "suffer" for you and that I am always yours if you

want. I love you.



devoted love,

b

May 20, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Spring Cleaning

Trainer,



Today was pretty long. I spent most of the time cleaning up the place

and trying to make it impossible for a bug to find anything to eat:)

It rained most of the day and it seemed like every time I went out it

decided to pour, especially fooling with the laundry. This turned out

to be a lot bigger job than I thought. I have accumulated a lot of

stuff in the kitchen and I wanted it all out so I could spray very

thoroughly.. I suppose some bugs might return but they shouldn't find

any food. This took a long time to do... way longer than I expected.



I know things might seem a little lax while you have been sick. I do

not mean to let anything slide, or do anything to weaken our dynamic.

It think its more of a case of just being practical while you did not

feel well.. and it was also nice to be dressed while it was so cold in

here. I am not sure if I was just feeling cold.... but I think it

really was cold... just looking at the thermometer on the dining room

table... all the floating things were at the bottom yesterday which I

think means colder.



I looked for a heating pad but couldn't find one.... I'll have to look

around some more and find out who sells them. I was afraid to look too

long because I had clothes drying while I was looking.



I got a simple hook that I saw while shopping. I felt kind of funny

buying something like this... it struck me as a really simple but

secure hog-tie or other useful thing with the cuffs. I do not mean it

to suggest anything of course, but I thought I might contribute to

your collection of things, and somehow it would be demonstrating my

willingness to submit by giving it to you... there is a fine line

between that and getting some toy I want to play with and giving it to

you. I hope I am not being manipulative. I left it on your table.



Also I will tell you that while glancing through the book we have I

saw a picture and a little article on toe sucking. I find that

extremely submissive (I know you are shocked) and was surprised s\to

see it in that book. I think its ok to tell you this without being

manipulative because I am certain you are still feeling under the

weather, and so this would seem like a bad time for suggesting things

that I wanted to make happen... if that makes sense. What I mean is I

am ok with telling you things as long as they do not seem like

suggestions. Of course I know you wanted my thoughts to be open but I

have not really been talking about these kind of things lately...I

think there has just been a lot of other things going on. Also I see

it as giving you more control to know what gets to me, whether you

ever act on it or not.





devoted love,

b

April 30, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

Bedtime Caning

Trainer,



Yesterday and last night were good for me although I was not sure the

whole time they were going to be. Having to get permission every time

I need to pee is still hard for me. Its not just the asking, but the

whole thing in general. I never like to be caught in a situation where

I need to pee and can't, especially in a meeting or some similar

situation. Some people are comfortable with getting up and leaving but

I never want anyone to know that's what I'm doing. Traveling I hate to

ask someone to stop so I can get relief... I know everyone does it but

for some reason I don't want ppl to notice. That's beside the point I

guess. With you I have tried to rationalize that I must do this as

part of submitting and that usually works for me, although waiting can

be hard mentally for me, I know. Most of the time I can just be

patient and wait without it bothering me but unpredictably it can be

hard to do. It happened that I felt I was reaching as long as I could

go, and I blurted out an interruption that I felt made you mad at me

and I felt upset over that (because I did not want you to be mad at

me), but it was time for bed, so I thought I would just go to bed and

forget about it, although I was feeling resentful. I felt I could

easily contain this feeling and just go to sleep.



You didn't just let me go to sleep though. You asked where the cane

was, and I mentally cringed not wanting to feel that while I was

feeling upset at the same time, and resisting. I really had no choice

though but to obey, and feel it anyway. I know I had been feeling

pushed down from having to use the sinks and stuff earlier, but I was

fighting against this in my mind. AS I began to feel the burning of

the cane, I felt more and more pushed down..plus your hands on me were

making it hard to think, even though I wanted to resist in side... all

that was being stripped away in a way that had not happened before to

me. I did not want to feel hot, or that pushed down but it was

happening anyway which is kind of weird to have your own feelings

changed like that (and hot as well). Anyway I was a mess by the time

it was over and I know I must seem emotionally unstable to let that

happen... and end up clinging to you. I let you inside me deep, and

its scary to do that. I don't know what you think of me when that

happens.. I desperately do not want to drive you away, either.



Later I was kneeling by your chair... hot and flustered, and so pushed

down. You pushed your finger or thumb into my mouth and made me suck

on it while looking at your eyes... how low you kept me, and i was

just melting in your hands... my hungry, needy desire displayed to you

as naked as my body. This is how you own me. It is remarkable to me

that you can not only control what I do, but many times how I feel and

what I want, taking me from resisting, frustrated, and upset to

submissive and wanting so quickly with such ease.



I like to think that I can control my own thoughts and feelings, and

not get upset, or feel resentful, or neglected, or anything negative

like that and just submit to you, but I get reminded again and again,

that I am not in control of those things. I hope I always react

properly at least, though. I love you and you deserve that always.





devoted love,

b

March 31, 2006 | Filed Under Training Reports | Leave a Comment 

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