Are Bottoms More Verbal Than Tops?
Why do masochistic and submissive men (and women) write more about their experiences and feelings that dominant women and men and sadists?
While this doesn’t seem to be quite the web truism that it once was, clearly more bottoms blog and post on forums than to tops. Is there some hidden psychological factor at work?
Originally posted 2007-06-21 17:56:46.
Domme Aftercare
Many men write of wanting an unforgiving, overwhelming demanding, harsh and cruel dominant woman. Some men must have exactly that. Others of us are very much in love with our sadistic “Mistress.”
Maybe there are times this real flesh and blood person needs extra tender responsiveness after a strenuous power exchange. This came to mind when Alexandra wrote:
Dominants rarely speak of enjoying aftercare and for me it’s usually a time of quiet motherly leadership and reassuring affection, but I’m lucky in that my pet has a nurturing, almost motherly streak of his own (I have noted that at rare times he almost becomes womanly, though not in an overtly feminine way). Letting me squeeze him possessively and having him rub my worries away has always been a blessing for all aspects of my psyche.
If the woman needs post-scene care …
- Does that mean she isn’t a tough enough Domme?
- It is something you are willing to tolerate?
- That you love her even more?
Do you think dominant women tend to need aftercare?
- Yes
- Depends
- Maybe
- No
Do you think most men neglect this?
- Yes
- No
Is the neglect caused by:
- A lack of understanding, empathy?
- Too many Femdom porn sites?
- Selfishness?
- Laziness?
Additional F/m Aftercare References:
Originally posted 2007-05-11 08:34:06.
Accepting Yourself as Sadist, Domme or Dom
Regardless of the power and control they may eventually come to enjoy with their submissive life mates and play partners some dominants pass through a phase when they struggle with their needs and cravings.
Was it a struggle to face your dominance, your sadism?
- Did wanting to hurt another – even though they wanted it – make you feel as if you were a bad person?
- Knowing that having someone kneel before you in worship thrilled you, did that make you feel you were emotionally depraved?
- Did you feel shame or guilt?
- That you were possibly psychotic and needed to be medicated, in therapy or perhaps locked up?
- Perhaps would even find yourself in jail?
- That no one could love someone with your passions?
Did you pass through an inner baptism of dominance? How did you overcome the negative social and psychological stereotypes?
Are you still struggling with this kind of emotional turmoil?
One of Three in a Row
Originally posted 2007-07-15 17:01:32.
Male Chastity Devices : Why?
The philosophy and psychology of orgasm denial and enforced male chastity in female dominant relationships varies considerably among participants.
The role and value of a chastity device – CB-3000, Curve, and the like – also values.
Would you say a male chastity restraint:
- Is necessary because men can’t be trusted?
- Enhances the man’s pleasure?
- Woman’s Pleasure?
- Both?
- It excites the man the most?
- The woman?
- Is the device a psychological tool?
- Just a toy?
- Is it a fun form of bondage?
- Chastity devices should be used only if necessary?
- Chastity devices are bad: orgasm denial should only be done on the honor system?
What are your own feelings about them?
Originally posted 2007-03-26 15:23:30.
Longest Session
BDSM sessions can last a variety of lengths. Just a spanking. An evening of S&M and bondage. A whole day evoted to power exchange, kink and fetish. Depends on the players and the mood.
What has been your longest play scene? (Allowing “scene” the broadest possible interpretation.)
- 1 hour or less
- 1 – 2 hours
- 3 – 4 hours
- Between 4 to 8 hours
- 8 to 12 hours
- 12 hours to an entire day
- Spanning multiple days
Was it fun? A disaster?
Originally posted 2007-05-19 05:29:23.
Compatibility Quotient
Here are attributes you might consider when seeking someone for BDSM. The bias is toward an ongoing or serious relationship.
Rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, by percentage, not at all important, somewhat important, very important or some or scale of importance:
In a Domme / Top:
- Physical Beauty
- Intelligence
- Honesty
- Confidence
- Arrogance
- Empathy
- Sadism
- Compatible Fetishes
- Verbal Ability
- Physical Health
- Mental Health
- Income Level
In a Submissive / Bottom:
- Handsome
- Smart
- Integrity
- Confidence
- Humility
- Understanding
- Pain Threshold
- Shares My Kinks
- Open Communicator
- Physical Health
- Mental Health
- Hard Worker
Be honest!
Originally posted 2007-03-02 22:43:35.
Are You a Service Submissive?
In this context service means acts like performing household chores, running errands, waiting on the top.
What role do you think service plays in a dominant/submission relationship?
Rather how does service fit into your D/s relationship?
- Is it the basis?
- An important component?
- Just a part of the arrangement?
- A minor aspect?
- Not interested in service?
Some submissive people are only interested in service and want to perform it without a more formal relationship: they aren’t looking for a lover or fulltime D/s bonding. They enjoy cleaning house, doing shopping for the top.
Their only reward is the performance of the tasks. Perhaps spiced with a bit of arrogance, cruel manner or even a little punishment for jobs not done to perfection?
Are you this kind of “service submissive?”
- Yes
- No
- Not sure
If you were rating utilitarian service duties on a scale of one to ten how would you rate these tasks?
- Laundry
- Cooking
- Housecleaning
- Yard work
- Shopping
- Errand Running
Or some useful act that you perform or would like to under the control of a dominant person.
Originally posted 2007-07-28 15:27:53.
Kinky Theatre & BDSM Honorics
Mistress
The social and aesthetic associations with the term “Mistress” as it is used in female domination is a thread currently running on Fetish Lore.
… I would have a very hard time maintaining top space if a submissive addressed me as ‘Mistress’, especially if accompanied with the ‘as you wish’. I’m pretty sure I’d bust out laughing and have to call “cut”
One of my biggest fears in D/s is for the top or myself to say something that violates the internal integrity of scene space.
BDSM as Theatre
While some people resent describing power exchange sessions as theatre, BDSM as constructed drama works very well for me. The objections are much of a kind with those of describing it as play.
Some of that can be dismissed as a lack of genuine literary aesthetics: were you able to go back in time and visit a civilization like classical Athens during the age of the great tragedians the idea of theatre as trivial would be wholly foreign.
Many people also see evoking literary drama as an image of D/s as saying that the interaction is insincere. Acknowledging that we are engaged in a deliberate creation doesn’t diminish anything.
Honorifics & Titles in D/s
In a thread on BDSM honorifics and titles Lavender Scorpion wrote:
I love to hear my name. I find this to be so totally thrilling. It is so intimate in ways another honorific could never be.
My guess was:
I’m surprised more people don’t feel that way. It is two individuals that are exchanging power, not two generic roles.
But some people do use the titles as a way of distinguishing scene space.
Have you given thought to the theatrical nature of BDSM? To the title you use for yourself or addressing the other person?
How does all this work for you? In actual practice? In what you’d like or prefer to do?
- Is it OK to call BDSM play?
- To see D/s as theatre?
- Is it deadly serious stuff?
Is your title something you take seriously? Even if you are bottom and addressed as “slave” or similar?
- Would actual names be better for you?
- Or why not?
- Do you like your title / role term?
- Is there a secret one you want to use but haven’t?
Originally posted 2007-07-20 13:51:05.
Forced Bisexuality
You are heterosexual. To the best of your knowledge completely straight.
What if your top ordered you to engage in sex with another male?
- Accept it as her right without demur
- Try to convince her it would be bad for you
- Refuse
- Leave her for even trying
Originally posted 2007-07-05 08:01:24.
Preparing for Scenes
We don’t prepare for scenes / play in any formal way. Mostly we try to arrange our days to make one more likely to emerge seamlessly. Typically we’re talking, listening to music, maybe sipping a little wine or beer.
The toys are near at hand: in boxes on the floor, hanging from the closet door, some on the fireplace mantelpiece.
Alexandra may put on sexy clothes and boots.
I try to get simple things like eating out of the way.
Otherwise we just relax.
Do you make any special arrangements?
- Rituals?
- Clothing?
Do you:
- Go to a certain place?
- Use a verbal signal?
Do you check your partner’s mood?
Is there a graceful way to bow out or say no?
What has worked for you? What hasn’t?
Any advice, tips, experiences that you’d like to share?
Originally posted 2007-05-23 16:30:11.
