Prose
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Female Married Head of the Household
But what does it really mean to be a married female head of the household?
In the simplest terms, it means that your word is his law; your husband’s primary duty is always to yeild to you and obey your wishes.
To elaborate, being head of the household means that you make the important decisions and your decisions are final, including deciding what your husband is allowed to decide on his own. Where you disagree, he defers to your decision. You should develop the confidence to act on the basis of your role as head of the household and the strength and determination to help him adjust to his own supporting role.
You might ask his opinion to help you form your decision. It’s one of his responsibilities to share his opinion when you ask for it or when he thinks you expect or need it. But you should ultimately retreat to the privacy of your own mind to form your decision and own that decision once it’s made. Say, “thank you for sharing your opinion. Let me think about it and I’ll give you my decision when I’m ready.”
You may delegate the implementation of a decision to him. Once you make a decision you can relate your decision to him and then assign him the task of carrying it out. Say, “I’ve decided this. I want you to do this and do it this way. Let me know when it’s done.”
Perhaps most importantly, being head of the household means that your judgment, opinions, and priorities rule. In every real world situation there are ambiguities and unknowns. To deal with these we use our judgment, opinions, and priorities to fill in the blanks, bring order to the world, and suggest a course of action. Naturally, no two people are the same and we all tend to follow our own judgment, opinions, and priorities.
As head of the household you should indulge your own judgment, opinions, and priorities. You act on your own beliefs and values whenever the facts are unknown, insufficient, inadequate, or differently perceived. He must subordinate his judgment, opinions, and priorities to yours. For example, if you feel uncomfortable in a situation you should step back, form your own judgment, and then act on it whereas, once he has offered his opinion to you, he must accept your decision regardless of how it might conflict with his own judgment, opinions, and priorities.
As head of the household, you control the family finances. He is required to justify his expenses to you. But there is absolutely no need for you to explain anything whatsoever about the family finances to him. If you give him a budget it is his duty to follow it; if you require approval for certain purchases, he must obtain such approval. You, on the other hand, are free to spend as you alone see fit whether, in your judgment, for the benefit of the family or merely for your own enjoyment. For example, if you want to buy a new car, that is your decision alone but if he wants to purchase a new shirt he must seek your permission.
In many ways, time is money and so it is that his time is yours to budget or manage as you see fit. You should feel free to offload time consuming or otherwise undesirable tasks on him including family care, housework, shopping, and running errands. It is his responsibility to follow your direction in the management of his time and to seek permission for any deviances from your expectations with respect to his time.
Your preferences prevail in matters of aesthetics and leisure. For example, if the bedroom needs repainting, you select the colors. You decide where the family goes on vacation.
As head of the household, you are free to keep matters private as you choose. On the other hand, he has a duty to answer all your questions truthfully, fully, and directly and to inform you of anything that you would expect to have been informed about if you knew. Whereas you can enjoy open access to him, he’ll have to rely on trusting you.
As head of the household, you are bound only by your own conscience and you are free to change your mind at any time. For example, if you decide that he should paint the bedroom yellow and, after he’s am halfway through, you change your mind and choose blue, it is his duty to follow your new decision without complaint.
Conditioning The Male
A primary reinforcer is any reward your husband will work to get, and which will increase or maintain a behavior. Of all the rewards that you could offer your husband, sex is far and away the most powerful. Sex, therefore, serves as the core, primary reinforcer. Simply put, under the right circumstances, your husband will do virtually anything to have sex with you. A secondary reinforcer, or a conditioned reinforcer, is any previously neutral stimulus that acquires reinforcing properties through an association with a primary reinforcer over a period of time. Lingerie a secondary reinforcer, albeit one that he has almost certainly already associated with sex. As a practical matter, you cannot use sex to reward your husband for every good deed. Secondary reinforcers are therefore critical to an effective training program.
There are two types of behavioral conditioning: respondent conditioning and operant conditioning. In respondent conditioning, a neutral stimulus, such as words of praise, is paired with a primary reinforcer, such as sex. Through a repetition of the pairing, the neutral stimulus takes on the ability to elicit the response, it becomes a secondary reinforcer. Note that a secondary reinforcer may be paired with still another neutral stimulus to create a tertiary reinforcer but such a reinforcer will tend to be weaker than one paired with a primary reinforcer. It is therefore always better to associate new secondary reinforcers with your primary reinforcer, sex. Note that operant conditioning refers to behaviors that are not under your husband’s control. Your husband is naturally aroused by sex. Use the secondary reinforcer to mark the exact instant of behavior for which your husband is going to be rewarded. If, for example, you pair sex with words of praise then the words of praise will come to arouse your husband by themselves. When your husband learns that words of praise are always followed by sex, the words of praise are said to be conditioned.
Operant conditioning is the process in which the frequency of occurrence of a behavior is modified by the consequences of the behavior. It is the process by which you modify a behavior under your husband’s control by manipulating and controlling the consequences to him of the behavior. If positively reinforced, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated increases. If punished, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated decreases.
Once your husband has learned a behavior well, you will want to start rewarding intermittently. Not knowing when the reward will come, what the reward will be or how big the reward will be strengthens the behavior. Think of it like rolling a single six-sided die. The number you would get would be variable. Example: You might want to reward a behavior after 2 times, 6 times, 4 times, 1 time, etc. You might want to offer sex one time, words of praise the next time, a wet kiss the next time, a flash of your nipple another time. Note: it is very discouraging to your husband if you simply make it harder and harder to get a reward. Random variability, not rising expectations, is critical.
Your husband’s penis is the most sensitive area of his body. It not entirely without exaggeration that we say that a man thinks with his penis. Think of your husband’s penis as a magic button you can press at virtually any time and deliver pure pleasure to him. The one obvious exception is that your husband’s sex drive will fall off entirely immediately after he has achieved an orgasm. Depending on his age and physical condition, it may take minutes, hours, or days for him to recover his sex drive.
While husbands enjoy intercourse immensely, it is not the most practical way to deliver stimulation and reinforcement. Intercourse, whatever the position, is generally too distracting for you. And if your husband is on top, he, not you, will tend to control it. You should reserve intercourse as a final reward and the end of the training session and for constructing secondary reinforcers.
At the same time, you should be developing secondary reinforcers. As and when you stimulate his penis, deliver additional stimulations. These additional stimulations may be sight, smell, touch, and sound. Some such stimulants will necessarily be more precise than others but all will acquire a positive association with the stimulation of his penis. The sight of your breasts is an example of a visual stimulation. You can add a smell stimulant by wearing a special perfume during your training sessions. He will come to associate the smell of the perfume with sex. Touch is a more precise stimulation. As you stimulate his penis, you can touch him in other, non-sexual ways. For example, you might give him a quick double-pat on his thigh. Similarly, you can add sound stimulation by delivering specific words or phrases along with the stimulation of his penis. For example, “very good” or “what a wonderful husband you are.” You can take it further by using a unique, i.e. sexy, tone of voice.
In addition to such training sessions in bed, you should begin to reward his behavior out of bed. For example, if he does the dishes, you should reward him. Your primary reinforcement is sex. So rewarding him for doing the dishes with your primary reinforcer would involve inviting him, then and there, to go to the bedroom with you to make love. Obviously, this is not a very practical course of action.
Instead, this is where you introduce your secondary reinforcers. If, for example, he washes the dishes, you give him a double-tap on his thigh or whisper in his ear, “what a wonderful husband you are” in your special, sexy voice or flash your bare breast. If he has made a big effort to prepare dinner for you, you can go and put on special perfume for dinner.
In the beginning, you should consistently reinforce your husband for the desired behavior. Once you have trained your husband to perform a desired behavior on a regular basis, though, you should switch to a random reinforcement. While true randomness is ideal, it should be adequate to simply vary the reinforcement according to your whim. It is crucial, though, not to otherwise raise the bar. You can teach him to do new things for you but you should not reduce the reinforcement over time. You must maintain at least a random reinforcement of each desired behavior or the behavior will become extinguished.
Interestingly, while doing chores is a behavior that you are encouraging through positive reinforcement, it may also happen that certain aspects of doing the chores will become secondary reinforcers themselves. For example, as you train your husband to wash the dishes, and reinforce that behavior, your husband may come to indirectly associate the experience of washing the dishes with sex. The more consistent and powerful the reinforcement, the more likely and strongly will be that association. Your husband may actually become aroused by washing the dishes. Thus, over time, washing the dishes may become its own reward.
Once such an association is made between a chore and sex, you can use the chore as a reinforcer. For example, if your husband fails to do the dishes and he discovers you doing them, this will be a punishment. By doing the dishes you are depriving him of something which gives him sexual pleasure.
I often find I have become sexually excited at the darnest times. I may be ironing her clothes, cleaning the bathrooms, preparing dinner, washing dishes — you name it. And I realize I have an erection. I get excited every time I think about her. I get excited sometimes when I am doing the most mundane of chores for her. She may not even be at home and yet I have become excited just knowing I am serving her in some fashion.
Similarly, you can create an association between general submissive behavior and sex so that he becomes aroused by his own expressions of submission to you.
Unless your husband is a complete moron, he will figure out what you are up to sooner or later. But the training, of course, is very pleasant for your husband. If you are careful to match the pace of training to his receptivity, it is most likely that your husband will cooperate in his training. Simply back off when he objects. Press ahead when he is enthusiastic.
What is most intriguing about these training techniques is that they work even if your husband is entirely aware of what you are doing. The behavior modification techniques will affect him at a deep, subconscious level. You will fundamentally change the way he thinks about doing the chores.
Indeed, some husbands have likened it to creating an addiction. As the training progresses, the husband becomes addicted to the reward system such that, even though he understands, intellectually, why he craves to do the chores, and even though he is entirely aware that you have used sex to train him, still, he will feel a deep, irrefutable craving to do the chores for you. Doing the chores becomes an enjoyable experience for him.
You are, in effect, rewiring his brain to enjoy doing the chores for you. Your husband might initially be willing to make the personal sacrifice to do the chores for you. But as the training progresses, doing the chores will become less a personal sacrifice and more a self indulgence. A wise husband who has committed to serving you will therefore eagerly cooperate in the training.
There are two types of behavioral conditioning: respondent conditioning and operant conditioning. In respondent conditioning, a neutral stimulus, such as words of praise, is paired with a primary reinforcer, such as sex. Through a repetition of the pairing, the neutral stimulus takes on the ability to elicit the response, it becomes a secondary reinforcer. Note that a secondary reinforcer may be paired with still another neutral stimulus to create a tertiary reinforcer but such a reinforcer will tend to be weaker than one paired with a primary reinforcer. It is therefore always better to associate new secondary reinforcers with your primary reinforcer, sex. Note that operant conditioning refers to behaviors that are not under your husband’s control. Your husband is naturally aroused by sex. Use the secondary reinforcer to mark the exact instant of behavior for which your husband is going to be rewarded. If, for example, you pair sex with words of praise then the words of praise will come to arouse your husband by themselves. When your husband learns that words of praise are always followed by sex, the words of praise are said to be conditioned.
Operant conditioning is the process in which the frequency of occurrence of a behavior is modified by the consequences of the behavior. It is the process by which you modify a behavior under your husband’s control by manipulating and controlling the consequences to him of the behavior. If positively reinforced, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated increases. If punished, the likelihood of the behavior being repeated decreases.
Once your husband has learned a behavior well, you will want to start rewarding intermittently. Not knowing when the reward will come, what the reward will be or how big the reward will be strengthens the behavior. Think of it like rolling a single six-sided die. The number you would get would be variable. Example: You might want to reward a behavior after 2 times, 6 times, 4 times, 1 time, etc. You might want to offer sex one time, words of praise the next time, a wet kiss the next time, a flash of your nipple another time. Note: it is very discouraging to your husband if you simply make it harder and harder to get a reward. Random variability, not rising expectations, is critical.
Your husband’s penis is the most sensitive area of his body. It not entirely without exaggeration that we say that a man thinks with his penis. Think of your husband’s penis as a magic button you can press at virtually any time and deliver pure pleasure to him. The one obvious exception is that your husband’s sex drive will fall off entirely immediately after he has achieved an orgasm. Depending on his age and physical condition, it may take minutes, hours, or days for him to recover his sex drive.
While husbands enjoy intercourse immensely, it is not the most practical way to deliver stimulation and reinforcement. Intercourse, whatever the position, is generally too distracting for you. And if your husband is on top, he, not you, will tend to control it. You should reserve intercourse as a final reward and the end of the training session and for constructing secondary reinforcers.
At the same time, you should be developing secondary reinforcers. As and when you stimulate his penis, deliver additional stimulations. These additional stimulations may be sight, smell, touch, and sound. Some such stimulants will necessarily be more precise than others but all will acquire a positive association with the stimulation of his penis. The sight of your breasts is an example of a visual stimulation. You can add a smell stimulant by wearing a special perfume during your training sessions. He will come to associate the smell of the perfume with sex. Touch is a more precise stimulation. As you stimulate his penis, you can touch him in other, non-sexual ways. For example, you might give him a quick double-pat on his thigh. Similarly, you can add sound stimulation by delivering specific words or phrases along with the stimulation of his penis. For example, “very good” or “what a wonderful husband you are.” You can take it further by using a unique, i.e. sexy, tone of voice.
In addition to such training sessions in bed, you should begin to reward his behavior out of bed. For example, if he does the dishes, you should reward him. Your primary reinforcement is sex. So rewarding him for doing the dishes with your primary reinforcer would involve inviting him, then and there, to go to the bedroom with you to make love. Obviously, this is not a very practical course of action.
Instead, this is where you introduce your secondary reinforcers. If, for example, he washes the dishes, you give him a double-tap on his thigh or whisper in his ear, “what a wonderful husband you are” in your special, sexy voice or flash your bare breast. If he has made a big effort to prepare dinner for you, you can go and put on special perfume for dinner.
In the beginning, you should consistently reinforce your husband for the desired behavior. Once you have trained your husband to perform a desired behavior on a regular basis, though, you should switch to a random reinforcement. While true randomness is ideal, it should be adequate to simply vary the reinforcement according to your whim. It is crucial, though, not to otherwise raise the bar. You can teach him to do new things for you but you should not reduce the reinforcement over time. You must maintain at least a random reinforcement of each desired behavior or the behavior will become extinguished.
Interestingly, while doing chores is a behavior that you are encouraging through positive reinforcement, it may also happen that certain aspects of doing the chores will become secondary reinforcers themselves. For example, as you train your husband to wash the dishes, and reinforce that behavior, your husband may come to indirectly associate the experience of washing the dishes with sex. The more consistent and powerful the reinforcement, the more likely and strongly will be that association. Your husband may actually become aroused by washing the dishes. Thus, over time, washing the dishes may become its own reward.
Once such an association is made between a chore and sex, you can use the chore as a reinforcer. For example, if your husband fails to do the dishes and he discovers you doing them, this will be a punishment. By doing the dishes you are depriving him of something which gives him sexual pleasure.
I often find I have become sexually excited at the darnest times. I may be ironing her clothes, cleaning the bathrooms, preparing dinner, washing dishes — you name it. And I realize I have an erection. I get excited every time I think about her. I get excited sometimes when I am doing the most mundane of chores for her. She may not even be at home and yet I have become excited just knowing I am serving her in some fashion.
Similarly, you can create an association between general submissive behavior and sex so that he becomes aroused by his own expressions of submission to you.
Unless your husband is a complete moron, he will figure out what you are up to sooner or later. But the training, of course, is very pleasant for your husband. If you are careful to match the pace of training to his receptivity, it is most likely that your husband will cooperate in his training. Simply back off when he objects. Press ahead when he is enthusiastic.
What is most intriguing about these training techniques is that they work even if your husband is entirely aware of what you are doing. The behavior modification techniques will affect him at a deep, subconscious level. You will fundamentally change the way he thinks about doing the chores.
Indeed, some husbands have likened it to creating an addiction. As the training progresses, the husband becomes addicted to the reward system such that, even though he understands, intellectually, why he craves to do the chores, and even though he is entirely aware that you have used sex to train him, still, he will feel a deep, irrefutable craving to do the chores for you. Doing the chores becomes an enjoyable experience for him.
You are, in effect, rewiring his brain to enjoy doing the chores for you. Your husband might initially be willing to make the personal sacrifice to do the chores for you. But as the training progresses, doing the chores will become less a personal sacrifice and more a self indulgence. A wise husband who has committed to serving you will therefore eagerly cooperate in the training.
Tell Him What You Want
Go get the lotion. I need you to rub my feet.
Run my bath for me. And while I’m in there get started on the laundry.
Get up, Sweetheart, and make me some coffee and an English muffin with butter.
You did a nice job cleaning the bathrooms; I am very pleased with you.
I’m going out with the girls tonight. While I’m gone you can work on the laundry.
The Courtship of the Dominant Woman
“Think of three Things, whence you came, where you are going, and to whom you must account.” — Benjamin Franklin
This essay focuses on the approach and perhaps ultimate “courtship” of a female Dominant, by submissive or subservient men. It targets points of acceptable and appropriate behavior (manners) towards a Domme. It is of course, written from a Dominant perspective, and based on my discussions with numerous other lifestyle Dommes.
Much of today’s formal “etiquette” originated in the French royal court during the 1600-1700’s. This code of behavior soon spread to other European courts and eventually was adopted by the upper classes throughout the Western world. In general, etiquette was developed as a means of breaching differences to allow communication from a common starting point.
It is my opinion, that of all the relationships in the D/s community, the one between a Domina and male submissive, most closely mimics the conventions and protocols of a more formal era; perhaps that of the Victorians. In the 1800’s, a young man could not speak to a young woman he knew until she had first acknowledged him. If the lady was not known to the man, then a “gentlemen” expressed his interest through a third party introduction or a formal written request. Socially acceptable activities included chaperoned public and family functions, which may or may not have led to private visitations. Conventions of protocol were strictly adhered to. Men bore the scrutiny of relatives or other interested parties and were more than ready to demonstrate their worthiness as a “suitor.” (Sound familiar?)
Whether the ratio is 1:10 or 1:100, most people will agree that there are many more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers based on “supply and demand” alone, work against a submissive. Competition is fierce for the attentions of those Dommes who are in “circulation.” The process of finding a Domme can be likened to a job search, with several hundred individuals submitting their resumes and credentials, and you, the applicant must stand out from the crowd. If you are seriously searching for a female Dominant partner, start thinking of ways that you could make yourself appealing to her.
To put it simply, we want to be impressed; to be made to feel special … and ultimately “courted.” Material possessions, a high profile career or even an exceptional education do not necessarily impress us. However, I have yet to meet another Domme who is not pleased by a submissive who is honest, self-assured and polite. In addition, intelligence, a sense of humor and a genuine desire to submit, are highly sought after qualities.
In keeping with that, it is helpful to know some rules about how to behave in certain situations, if only because this makes life more comfortable for you and makes you more self-confident. A submissive that ascribes to the following basic rules of good behavior and demonstrates a measure of social grace, may find the quest for a compatible female Dominant, somewhat less challenging.
1. Be honest. This pertains to any information you share or representation that you make of yourself. It includes, but is not limited to the basics of marital status, through to your expectations (in a partner and within the D/s lifestyle), experience level, fetishes and kinks (if they apply) and your limits. Don’t make a Dominant or anyone else an unwitting co-conspirator in something that could be an act of adultery, unsafe, insane or non-consensual. If you approach a Domina whose needs and desires are different from your own, accept those differences, do not try to manipulate her into changing her standards. By the same token, do not go against your own principles. Bottom line, don’t lie. If you are found out, word will quickly spread that you are a dishonest “player” and this can brand you permanently as untrustworthy. We “network” and most experienced lifestylers talk to each other (this very fact can also work in your favor if you are known to be a respectful, well-mannered and a genuine individual).
2. Have self-respect and be confident. Strong and submissive are not contradictions. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you’re a true submissive. Actually it shows that you’re boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to attract her attention. If you don’t value your submissive gifts, why should she? If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and perhaps initially stay around to keep the conversation going. You don’t have to throw yourself at a Domme’s feet to attract her attention. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you, your abilities, desire to submit and sincerity. Present your best qualities, without being conceited. A sense of humor can always serve you well under these circumstances, and at the very least, remember to smile.
3. Conversational skills are important. Do nut succumb to “submissive frenzy.” Having just discovered your innermost need and desire, you feel compelled to announce it to anyone who will listen. Pull yourself together! Approach a Dominant politely, with confidence, and a sense of calm. Introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume; “My name is Jack, I’m 30 years old, I’m a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?” You’ll just come off as a desperate jerk. Conversely, do not play the doormat expecting to be swept off your feet with witty repartee, but contributing nothing. As in any setting, nothing is more boring than talking to someone who doesn’t have anything to say in return. And, “Yes, Mistress,” “No, Ma’am.” and “Ooh, I don’t know,” can grow very old, quickly. Find out how a Domme likes to be referred to (Madame, Ma’am, Mistress, Lady, Ms, etc.) and address her that way, but, appropriately and sparingly. Be patient and allow the natural process of rapport building to develop.
4. Develop patience. It can take some submissives years to find a compatible Dominant partner. Just as you have the right to be choosy in selecting a partner, so does the Domme. Do not pester her because you find her interesting. Treat her with respect and courtesy. Just because she is Dominant, does not mean she is under any obligation to use her talents in the Dominant arts on you. Impatient and pushy submissives don’t get very far with Dommes. If a lady rebuffs your advances, or does not respond to them, take it with dignity, do not respond rudely. There is no need to badmouth or disparage a Domina who has turned you down. Doing so, will simply earn you a reputation of being impolite. If you want to leave a lasting, positive impression, thank her for her time and consideration and ask that she might keep you in mind for the future.
A point on sending notes or letters of introduction. A lack of a reply can mean two things (1) the Dominant in question is overwhelmed by requests, and yours was lost due to volume; or (2) it means “Not interested.” A short, polite follow-up note thanking her for reading your letter, may garner you a response. If not, give up. Do not send further mail, or make unwanted calls, whining that you haven’t gotten an answer from her. At that time, take non-response as a “no.”
5. Do unto others as you would have done to yourself. Would you walk into someone’s home without an invitation? Would you randomly select the phone number of a stranger, dial them up and open with “want to have sex?” Would you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “Hi I’m Mike, I’m kinky, let’s get naked”? Common sense dictates that you wouldn’t. In today’s computer age, why would you behave differently online? The rules of engagement should be and are the same as in any other social or business setting. No one owes you his or her attention.
The advantage of this medium is that through profiles, homepages, other postings and participating in chatrooms and newsgroups, you can often glean some insights about an individual, before approaching her. Avoid two common mistakes. First, do not approach a Dominant who is not interested in the same things you are. Second, don’t send a request for submission to every Domme in the Western world. As stated before, we network. And for the record, spelling and grammar do count.
6. Be open about your knowledge and experience within the D/s lifestyle. Being a novice, and admitting it, is not a bad thing. We all started somewhere. Acknowledging a lack of experience may be a wonderful starting point for forming a D/s partnership, if you find a Domme interested in training. Conversely, if you are experienced, you may be a wonderful teacher to a novice Dominant, or be able to parlay your knowledge into a common ground for communication. But, do not overstate or understate your knowledge. Do not disrespect a Dominant by assuming you know what is best for her, or assume you know what she wants to hear.
7. Be informed and know yourself. Before you declare yourself as a “submissive” be sure you understand what it is you are offering. Dominants are not libraries, nor are we therapists, counselors or social workers. It is not our job to tease apart what your desires, fetishes and kinks are. There is nothing wrong with having fetishes and acting on them; but know what they are and what it is you are looking for and are realistically able to offer. Educate yourself, put some work into determining who you are and what it is you are so willing to give. Our role is not to define your desires and limits, but to work within them, expand them and explore beyond, WITH you.
8. Lose the attitude that this is “all about you.” It is not. For many (perhaps even most) our chosen role has very little to do with sex, and relates to a power exchange between two consenting adults. Actually, we usually couldn’t care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant with a “What can you do for me?” attitude, you’re going to be laughed at. Do-Me submissives are selfish, controlling, and annoying. Being pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose you the chance to ever partner with her. Dominant women are not public utilities; just because a woman is dominant, does not mean she is YOUR Dominant. If you’re just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay someone to play-act with you.
9. Be discreet. It’s unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination and other alternative lifestyle practices private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors didn’t know about their interests and activities. Unless you know that the Mistress you met at a club or play party, is out of the “closet” do not approach her in a vanilla setting and address her by her scene title, or fall to your knees in an act of worship or deference.
10. Have realistic expectations. Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. As a matter of fact, just as men, in general. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. While you are at it, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really worthy of such expectations yourself. You’ll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Think of it this way: If you’re blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?
11. Proper decorum once accepted for a private meeting includes, being polite, punctual, and well-groomed. I want to stress the importance of personal hygiene…fur on the teeth, dirty fingernails, greasy hair, and other unmentionables … are no no’s. *Please* NO intimate gifts, such as panties or stockings, until you are actually intimate, we may be open-minded but we expect to be treated like ladies. You may bring flowers, if she likes them, but red roses are inappropriate for a first encounter. Perhaps, take a walk together; maybe get coffee, and even lunch together. Then you stop! Go home! Send her a note of thanks for the fine company, perhaps call on the phone to ask if you may visit again, and leave it up to her. If she doesn’t encourage you, give up!
Let’s assume though, that you were charming, intriguing, and she wants to see you again. This means you are in the “running.” It does NOT mean she owns you. You probably still have competition for her attention, so keep your best foot forward. Getting to know a Dominant woman goes in degrees, at a pace dictated by her needs and interests. If at first you don’t succeed, do not get discouraged. Ultimately practice will prepare you for meeting the right partner.
Remember to use common sense, maintain perspective, and be polite. No one owes anyone else his or her dominance or his or her submission. Patience and a sense of humor are definite attributes for a submissive. Lastly, never forget that you too may discover that the Dominant is not to your liking or standards, and you always have the right and option to withdraw from any phase of the relationship. After all, ours is a lifestyle of mutuality, safety, sanity and consent.
This essay focuses on the approach and perhaps ultimate “courtship” of a female Dominant, by submissive or subservient men. It targets points of acceptable and appropriate behavior (manners) towards a Domme. It is of course, written from a Dominant perspective, and based on my discussions with numerous other lifestyle Dommes.
Much of today’s formal “etiquette” originated in the French royal court during the 1600-1700’s. This code of behavior soon spread to other European courts and eventually was adopted by the upper classes throughout the Western world. In general, etiquette was developed as a means of breaching differences to allow communication from a common starting point.
It is my opinion, that of all the relationships in the D/s community, the one between a Domina and male submissive, most closely mimics the conventions and protocols of a more formal era; perhaps that of the Victorians. In the 1800’s, a young man could not speak to a young woman he knew until she had first acknowledged him. If the lady was not known to the man, then a “gentlemen” expressed his interest through a third party introduction or a formal written request. Socially acceptable activities included chaperoned public and family functions, which may or may not have led to private visitations. Conventions of protocol were strictly adhered to. Men bore the scrutiny of relatives or other interested parties and were more than ready to demonstrate their worthiness as a “suitor.” (Sound familiar?)
Whether the ratio is 1:10 or 1:100, most people will agree that there are many more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers based on “supply and demand” alone, work against a submissive. Competition is fierce for the attentions of those Dommes who are in “circulation.” The process of finding a Domme can be likened to a job search, with several hundred individuals submitting their resumes and credentials, and you, the applicant must stand out from the crowd. If you are seriously searching for a female Dominant partner, start thinking of ways that you could make yourself appealing to her.
To put it simply, we want to be impressed; to be made to feel special … and ultimately “courted.” Material possessions, a high profile career or even an exceptional education do not necessarily impress us. However, I have yet to meet another Domme who is not pleased by a submissive who is honest, self-assured and polite. In addition, intelligence, a sense of humor and a genuine desire to submit, are highly sought after qualities.
In keeping with that, it is helpful to know some rules about how to behave in certain situations, if only because this makes life more comfortable for you and makes you more self-confident. A submissive that ascribes to the following basic rules of good behavior and demonstrates a measure of social grace, may find the quest for a compatible female Dominant, somewhat less challenging.
1. Be honest. This pertains to any information you share or representation that you make of yourself. It includes, but is not limited to the basics of marital status, through to your expectations (in a partner and within the D/s lifestyle), experience level, fetishes and kinks (if they apply) and your limits. Don’t make a Dominant or anyone else an unwitting co-conspirator in something that could be an act of adultery, unsafe, insane or non-consensual. If you approach a Domina whose needs and desires are different from your own, accept those differences, do not try to manipulate her into changing her standards. By the same token, do not go against your own principles. Bottom line, don’t lie. If you are found out, word will quickly spread that you are a dishonest “player” and this can brand you permanently as untrustworthy. We “network” and most experienced lifestylers talk to each other (this very fact can also work in your favor if you are known to be a respectful, well-mannered and a genuine individual).
2. Have self-respect and be confident. Strong and submissive are not contradictions. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you’re a true submissive. Actually it shows that you’re boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to attract her attention. If you don’t value your submissive gifts, why should she? If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and perhaps initially stay around to keep the conversation going. You don’t have to throw yourself at a Domme’s feet to attract her attention. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you, your abilities, desire to submit and sincerity. Present your best qualities, without being conceited. A sense of humor can always serve you well under these circumstances, and at the very least, remember to smile.
3. Conversational skills are important. Do nut succumb to “submissive frenzy.” Having just discovered your innermost need and desire, you feel compelled to announce it to anyone who will listen. Pull yourself together! Approach a Dominant politely, with confidence, and a sense of calm. Introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume; “My name is Jack, I’m 30 years old, I’m a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?” You’ll just come off as a desperate jerk. Conversely, do not play the doormat expecting to be swept off your feet with witty repartee, but contributing nothing. As in any setting, nothing is more boring than talking to someone who doesn’t have anything to say in return. And, “Yes, Mistress,” “No, Ma’am.” and “Ooh, I don’t know,” can grow very old, quickly. Find out how a Domme likes to be referred to (Madame, Ma’am, Mistress, Lady, Ms, etc.) and address her that way, but, appropriately and sparingly. Be patient and allow the natural process of rapport building to develop.
4. Develop patience. It can take some submissives years to find a compatible Dominant partner. Just as you have the right to be choosy in selecting a partner, so does the Domme. Do not pester her because you find her interesting. Treat her with respect and courtesy. Just because she is Dominant, does not mean she is under any obligation to use her talents in the Dominant arts on you. Impatient and pushy submissives don’t get very far with Dommes. If a lady rebuffs your advances, or does not respond to them, take it with dignity, do not respond rudely. There is no need to badmouth or disparage a Domina who has turned you down. Doing so, will simply earn you a reputation of being impolite. If you want to leave a lasting, positive impression, thank her for her time and consideration and ask that she might keep you in mind for the future.
A point on sending notes or letters of introduction. A lack of a reply can mean two things (1) the Dominant in question is overwhelmed by requests, and yours was lost due to volume; or (2) it means “Not interested.” A short, polite follow-up note thanking her for reading your letter, may garner you a response. If not, give up. Do not send further mail, or make unwanted calls, whining that you haven’t gotten an answer from her. At that time, take non-response as a “no.”
5. Do unto others as you would have done to yourself. Would you walk into someone’s home without an invitation? Would you randomly select the phone number of a stranger, dial them up and open with “want to have sex?” Would you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “Hi I’m Mike, I’m kinky, let’s get naked”? Common sense dictates that you wouldn’t. In today’s computer age, why would you behave differently online? The rules of engagement should be and are the same as in any other social or business setting. No one owes you his or her attention.
The advantage of this medium is that through profiles, homepages, other postings and participating in chatrooms and newsgroups, you can often glean some insights about an individual, before approaching her. Avoid two common mistakes. First, do not approach a Dominant who is not interested in the same things you are. Second, don’t send a request for submission to every Domme in the Western world. As stated before, we network. And for the record, spelling and grammar do count.
6. Be open about your knowledge and experience within the D/s lifestyle. Being a novice, and admitting it, is not a bad thing. We all started somewhere. Acknowledging a lack of experience may be a wonderful starting point for forming a D/s partnership, if you find a Domme interested in training. Conversely, if you are experienced, you may be a wonderful teacher to a novice Dominant, or be able to parlay your knowledge into a common ground for communication. But, do not overstate or understate your knowledge. Do not disrespect a Dominant by assuming you know what is best for her, or assume you know what she wants to hear.
7. Be informed and know yourself. Before you declare yourself as a “submissive” be sure you understand what it is you are offering. Dominants are not libraries, nor are we therapists, counselors or social workers. It is not our job to tease apart what your desires, fetishes and kinks are. There is nothing wrong with having fetishes and acting on them; but know what they are and what it is you are looking for and are realistically able to offer. Educate yourself, put some work into determining who you are and what it is you are so willing to give. Our role is not to define your desires and limits, but to work within them, expand them and explore beyond, WITH you.
8. Lose the attitude that this is “all about you.” It is not. For many (perhaps even most) our chosen role has very little to do with sex, and relates to a power exchange between two consenting adults. Actually, we usually couldn’t care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant with a “What can you do for me?” attitude, you’re going to be laughed at. Do-Me submissives are selfish, controlling, and annoying. Being pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose you the chance to ever partner with her. Dominant women are not public utilities; just because a woman is dominant, does not mean she is YOUR Dominant. If you’re just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay someone to play-act with you.
9. Be discreet. It’s unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination and other alternative lifestyle practices private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors didn’t know about their interests and activities. Unless you know that the Mistress you met at a club or play party, is out of the “closet” do not approach her in a vanilla setting and address her by her scene title, or fall to your knees in an act of worship or deference.
10. Have realistic expectations. Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. As a matter of fact, just as men, in general. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. While you are at it, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really worthy of such expectations yourself. You’ll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Think of it this way: If you’re blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?
11. Proper decorum once accepted for a private meeting includes, being polite, punctual, and well-groomed. I want to stress the importance of personal hygiene…fur on the teeth, dirty fingernails, greasy hair, and other unmentionables … are no no’s. *Please* NO intimate gifts, such as panties or stockings, until you are actually intimate, we may be open-minded but we expect to be treated like ladies. You may bring flowers, if she likes them, but red roses are inappropriate for a first encounter. Perhaps, take a walk together; maybe get coffee, and even lunch together. Then you stop! Go home! Send her a note of thanks for the fine company, perhaps call on the phone to ask if you may visit again, and leave it up to her. If she doesn’t encourage you, give up!
Let’s assume though, that you were charming, intriguing, and she wants to see you again. This means you are in the “running.” It does NOT mean she owns you. You probably still have competition for her attention, so keep your best foot forward. Getting to know a Dominant woman goes in degrees, at a pace dictated by her needs and interests. If at first you don’t succeed, do not get discouraged. Ultimately practice will prepare you for meeting the right partner.
Remember to use common sense, maintain perspective, and be polite. No one owes anyone else his or her dominance or his or her submission. Patience and a sense of humor are definite attributes for a submissive. Lastly, never forget that you too may discover that the Dominant is not to your liking or standards, and you always have the right and option to withdraw from any phase of the relationship. After all, ours is a lifestyle of mutuality, safety, sanity and consent.